molto accelerando

things finally heats up..i’m doing more administrative work than outfield work.which isn’t what my jobscope entails. nonetheless, can’t blame the higher-ups cus im not studying YET. then again, would i even think about studying??guess not.its hard not to think about it but its harder just trying to figure out how to stop thinking about it.i only blame myself for what’s to come because it is not fated. It’s the decisions i make that decides my fate. its true i label myself as a workaholic but im not the tabletop kind of guy.im the guy whom you can ask to run around naked doing diamond push ups and jumping jacks all day. i hate the fact im being lazier by the day. but you know……..forget it. i’m just complaining. no point dawdling about it.just gotta stand up,hold out till i ORD and then, fuck off.hahahaha.

till then,
OFI signing out.

been too long.

you see, i started becoming emotional again. and yes, maybe i should start blogging about things.well, fucked up life. bad decisions, one after another.i make the best of it, but i don’t enjoy it.

i never once lived to love the things i do. even if i do show that insane level of ecstasy, deep inside, i know what im doing is just temporary. no such thing as an everlasting happiness. everything is fantasy. fuck it.

im not stressed out, i just feel hurt.so shut up.

angst

im worried about my future career..i want to go fast and far, but i don’t have the motivation to go through it.that technician job i got was very boring and i decided to just disappear.i think i should stop staying up late at night.it hurts me to just look at the screen alone in the dark.then suddenly, all kinds of flashbacks come and just, disrupt your mind..i feel like crying most of the time but it wouldn’t have meaning to it.i’m just grateful to have a girlfriend despite alot of people saying rubbish about being attached and all..well some know how i roll but i know myself long enough to see myself in the mirror and understand what i’ve become.. the girls that went out of my life because of me are now enjoying their lives as i write..they moved on..i continuously try to but if situations like this(staying up late) keep becoming a habit, then i will forever not move on..pfft..i lost the mood.

blasphemy

if all i can think of is nothing but work, my life is ruined.. damn.

all good things come to an end one day..

at times like this, i really love shooting me down with all the mistakes i did.people keep on telling me “move on move on” and i reply them ‘cannot’..i do move on..i just like thinking negative..well, if i had been more mindful of my surrounding,i may have settled down earlier than i expected. but judging from what happened before this, i guess i really have to wait abit longer. one of them just left me after helping her out with a few things. another one’s busy with school. and the most recent one. well, it was me.

i shan’t say who’s who cause pointing fingers here won’t be as satisfying.anyways i just want to talk about the most recent mistake i did with ms ‘pretty’. you know who you are.i won’t say it cos i want to protect your identity babe.
first up, if she hadn’t been so random..i wouldn’t have gotten to know her till now..in fact i wouldn’t even know that she was staring at me.

it all started..im at work,fucking boring weekday closing..went for my 2nd smoke break..i saw this lady on the phone..wasn’t sure who noticed who first at that time..but im pretty sure she was looking at me(full of myself yet true).. at first i wasn’t planning to move away from where i was but since she smiled at me, i figured okay..i guess i could sit around but not too close.i wasn’t planning on talking AT ALL.then from out of the blues, she asked this very question which triggered the whole conversation “not busy uh your place?”…two things came through my mind. first “why is this person talking to me?so random…”  Secondly, ” she’s got a cute face.wonder what made her want to talk to me?”

and so, started the friendship between me and her..as i got to know more about her.. we grew closer to each other.. but she noticed something which i never really knew till now.. i never was serious when it comes to talking to her..i couldn’t bring myself to show her my feelings.. one reason was because..it’s only been a few weeks..i mean, how can someone fall for me in such a short time.. then i figured, now’s not the time…so we still continued doing our normal “smoke together talk normally” routine..

most days i would come down to visit her when she’s working..i don’t really mind cos i got loads of time to kill..still, i couldn’t bring myself to tell her how i feel.. she held me closer as the days go by.. i held her close too but couldn’t bring myself to say anything..

then came one day, where we had occasional arguments..mostly is me being injured and all…sometimes she’s too concerned about me and i don’t really know why she’d wanna do that..but i did appreciate what she did…hugging her sometimes i feel pain cos she hits on the exact injured areas..but its okay..if its her, i don’t mind the pain at all..

then one day, i found out she got together…i was shocked, happy,sad..you name it..i was utterly blank yet emotions running through my mind.. that’s when i thought, its too late for me now, better stab myself and not let her see you anymore…i’ve never confessed my feelings to anyone in person before..its always been indirect..and till now, i couldn’t bring myself to say it in front of her..

i wasted an opportunity to settle down and not think of anyone else anymore..but due to my blind nature and ever so good acting persona, she couldn’t figure out what i meant to her..till i finally confessed..indirectly.. but by then,it was too late..i told her everything she needed to know..i thought that she had personal problems that’s why she didn’t want to be with me…but i finally realised..it was me who was blind…she showered me with all she had and i just didn’t show my appreciation directly… i know that im grateful for all she’s done but couldn’t bring myself to say it…

all good things must come to an end.. im glad that the guy she’s with is someone she can relate to very well… it was the right decision to have gone for him than me..nonetheless, i thought about it time and time again, he’s waited for you for a longer time than me..i didn’t like the idea of cutting queue..despite my unemotional face and serious character, i still maintain the gentleman attitude..

for now, i guess i don’t know what’s gonna happen to me..but i pray her relationship lasts long and hopefully…just get married as well…it won’t do me any good cos it will create the biggest pain that i can tolerate..but its for her sake..i’ll just take that big fucking knife and stab myself..i just want her to be happy..unfortunately not with me..im still the same naive young brat people see..

that’s about it..the recent story…if you know who you are, keep this to yourself..you know im taking all the blame so its alright, this issue is not gonna point fingers at you..and those who know who im referring to, please keep it on the low..i don’t want to create conspiracies or hostile situations…thank you..

all i can say..if she hadn’t talked to me the first time, i wouldn’t have had the chance to smile sincerely and cry with tears..thank you..if you need me you know where to find me…but i can be sure you won’t need me anymore..but still, im available 24/7 for anyone in NEED.

until next time,
squeaky2.

my baby’s gone.

yeah, i lost the girl.. now im losing myself..but its alright..better to die now than to live any longer 🙂

until next time,
squeaky2.

it’s been a while

too long i suppose. i wasn’t on hiatus or anything. i was just preoccupied with school and work that i even find my 2-3am usual blogging routine very troublesome. besides,nothing interesting ever happens to me ever since. it’s been the usual schooltime, crap like what the fuck everyone talking kinda jokes, work go up down left right centre.home’s still a bore since everyone’s so grown up and doing their own stuff. i’m already 20 this year, but it feels like i’m still acting like a small brat in fucking dire need of attention. well, everyone needs it once in a while i suppose. friends come and go, die in front of my eyes, bitch about me, stabbing me everywhere.its all plain mundane and it happens oh so frequently that it becomes an “almost-everyday” routine.at times, i just want to sit and think nothing but one thing. but everything’s whizzing through my brain like a choo-choo train. and did you know i had a cough since my birthday?up till now, maybe my stubbornness caused me to drag my illness till this point. record 17 days coughing non-stop.oh well, as usual, instead of using my money to go see the doctor, i used it to help someone for her last therapy session.
you know the funny thing is, she doesn’t need me when im around.but when i am at my most troubled point, she comes so suddenly and asks for help. i could’ve said and i don’t have any responsibility towards her. so why am i still obliged to help her ,despite the troubles that i myself am facing right?yeah, another thing, when you plan something with me stick with it, don’t go and ask other people to tell me last minute that “i got someone else to go with me. sorry for the trouble”…you said that many times and yet you still back to ask for help. you will never know how much pain it took for me to find ways to help you…i’m doing this  all but i have yet to find a reason.why am i helping you anyway?i know it’s not friendship because it’s gone way beyond that.i just hope that you won’t make me worry anymore and you,as a human, keep to your word. cos i know i keep to mine now. my past will never be erased but that’s my marginal point of realising what a fool i’ve been to have left the people i vowed to cherish. people don’t notice, but i’m actually fighting against something in my body and it’s not good. maybe tomorrow, i might just leave this world, and well. i try to assume at least she’s gonna be happy when i leave after torturing her most of the time for..MORE THAN A YEAR…but hey, she’s gonna say…”the past is the past. i’ve already forgiven you. the problem is you haven’t forgiven yourself. move on in life lah.memang kau kepaler batu dari dulu.i guess there ain’t changing that hard-headedness of yours.”

i should thank my “hard-headedness” for making me come this far. too stubborn to not look forward.even more stubborn to look back.urgh, headache..you know its hard trying to maintain a serious look while typing this kinda important issues.HAHAHAHA!

well,anyways. things are sure gonna go back to normal soon uh..i don’t have to worry so much cos i got pack of ciggies with me, friends all around me and someone to look forward to in the near future. (=
after ns, things are gonna change a whole lot WORST if i don’t something about it now!hahaha

and guys, don’t think about it. “yeah!i do agree with you!” just shut up.

until next time,
squea…..neh…
CHANGE OVER!
Rasyiqim Andi Satria.

apolilogies

well,it’s been quite a while since i last blogged.
many things have happened.well,not really..it’s just the same old same old weariness everyday.
sleep.eat.school.work.smoke.laptop.
kinda like my everyday routine nowadays.
now i have one more thing to add.
girls.
or maybe just singular.
girl.
need to try to squeeze her into my already oh so busy schedule.
nonetheless, anything for girl okay?
by the way, if people has been to my facebook account and seen the change in status.
stop asking who it is.
if i have one, i’ll tell you.
but i don’t have one now  sheesh.
people assume too much.
im not hotstuff or mr nice guy to get a lover so easily.
sure i got loads of girl-friends.
but i don’t have a girlfriend 😛

oh well, im working closing later at 4pm..maybe should come down earlier..or maybe..

until next time,
squeaky2.

mesopotamia

i’ve decided to fully manage my time wisely…
morning go to school like a good boy.
evening come down to work.
reach home 2am and do my work till finish..
sleep by 4am.
wake up at 6am to prepare for school.
and the cycle goes on and on for 3 weekdays and the weekends.
i hope my holidays are really holidays 🙂

i find people nowadays tend to be rather spoilt brats.

until next time,
squeaky2.

love it like hell or hate it till heaven

slowly i lost the passion..the passion to smile with sincerity(i’ve been doing it okay..)
but nowadays,it seems my smiles are either used to bear my sorrows or are simply wasted on stupid girls.
don’t try to pin a tail on my ass and start questioning me about this.
i won’t bother anymore. in fact, i’ve always been bothered by negative comments sometimes i wonder why people bother to comment so badly in the first place.
unless i did something to that person, who’re they to think that i’m all to blame when they don’t even know the fuck about it.
things just seem to go the opposite direction everytime i try to step it up a notch.
it’s like, having your feelings set up so high and happy and before you know it, everything crashes down. from heaven to hell in a sense of distance.
it would’ve been better if i didn’t try to smile than to have smiled at all.
at least people know me to never be the joking kind.
everytime i smile, people are happy and they end up not taking me seriously.
but when i don’t smile, people take me too seriously and end up being scared.

humans have such complicated minds. all i want is to just be happy with one fucking person…just ONE fucking person. too much to ask? then nevermind. i’ll grow to be kick-ass rich..i wanna get a 3 storey bungalow(basement+2 floors) and live with my mummy. the rest can just go fuck themselves upside down. think you’re worth it being with me..fuck yourself.all i ever did was care and you guys just throw me by the side like im not even needed anymore. stupid ass motherfuckers.

girls have a way more complicated mind than guys.unfortunately, many see me think as complicated as a girl. im a guy with huge emotional disorders due to stupid unreasonable rejections and a very weak and soft heart. if you can’t even take care of that, you have a fat chance of trying to make my whole self yours.

until next time,
squeaky2 kinda pissed off already.going operation.